Preface

May 28, 1995 Last night I had a dream. In the dream I spoke with the foster-adopt mother of the David child - the child we first investigated when we first started being presented with children here in Washington. She was distraught, as she was in actuality when we first met her and discussed David. When we actually met with her, I could not understand how she could give up the child she had mothered for almost three years. I ahad asked her and she replied that her family was making her. I could not understand why she would stand for it. In my dream last night we discussed all this. She said, "Now you understand. He was taking all my love, all my energy, all my attention, all my patience, all my soul. I said my family was forcing me but in reality I can't do it any more. I cannot give him what he needs any more." I woke up distraught and yet calm. I know what needs to be done. I just don't know how to do it. I love Todd. He is my son. At the same time I hate what he is doing to me and my family. Last night my oldest child gave me a note asking if it would be better if she went away so she ouldn't be any more trouble. I am so tied up with Todd that poor Marie and John can't hardly breathe. We cannot go anywhere and enjoy it because Todd forces all the attention to be upon him. I cannot watch or interact with Marie or John without Todd causing a fit or a scene. Marie and John both resent him - even hate him for the calamity that surrounds him. What is this doing to my other children? What is it doing to him. We had to cancel our vacation our vacation to California in April because we could not trust Todd's behaviors. We took an overnight trip to Canada - he ruined it with his behaviors. He ruined John's birthday with tantrumming so that we oculd not go to the Science Center. We have not been able to do anything fo rmany weekends because lately Todd is overly aggressive with me. I am having to do restraints almost daily to protect myself and him from his aggression. How long is it before he attacks my other children or an outside child? The daycare is noticing an increase in oppositionalism, aggression, and screaming at others. I wanted to go to the Folklife Fair in Seattle this weekend. I don't dare. I don't want to have to restrain him there. I cannot hire babysitters - his behaviors scare them off. I want to be able to do things with my children. I want to do things with my husband. We want more children. Norman and I always saw ourselves with many children. We cannot have more children with Todd. He is taking all our time and energy. We left our church for him. We are becoming prisoners in our home with him. We have few visitors. I want to go to California in August. I am not willing to take Todd. We want to visit our friends and family, to travel around, to go to Disneyland. Can you see me restraining him at Disneyland? I can never just pick Todd up from Daycare any more. I have to hear all that he has done inappropriately again that day. He is physically hurting me. He verbally tells me what is going to happen and then he acts on it. Friday night it was "When I get off of time-out I am going to hurt you real bad." He went after me when he got off time-out. What about when he gets bigger and I cannot control him any longer? I am drained. I am trying as hard as I can. I can't spin my wheels any more. I love all three of my children. But I cannot take Todd's abuse towards me, my husband, and my other children any more. I remember the foster-adopt mother of the David-child saying it was like a slow death, trying to figure out what to do with her son. I feel that. What kind of a person am I to give my son up? I know he has been mine for only ten months but he is mine and I love him. What will happen to him? Who will love him? Who will care enough to make sure he is diagnosed and cared for? How could he not have been diagnosed and helped two years ago? I cannot verbalize these things. I can hardly bear to write them. It hurts so badly. I need my life back. I need my family's lives back. Some normality. I cannot do what Todd needs. Please help me to be strong enough to make right decisions. Help us.