Beginning of the end

Dear Son,

You've asked why you can't come home, why we don't call anymore. It all began with the first time you ...It will be easier if you just read my journal entries.
Mom



March 1, 2003 9:35 a.m.Thursday
About 4 p.m. our youngest son, age 12, called me on my cell phone at work and asked me to come home right away as he did not feel well. He'd been home all day with the flu. My husband, Norman, is a stay-at-home dad, but had run an errand. Norman had been gone about 15 minutes when Todd called me.

The school where I teach was over for the day, so I rushed the less-than two mile drive home to find Todd on his knees in his bedroom screaming "Please God don't take me today" over and over and yelling that he'd seen God who told him he was going to die. We rushed him to the hospital, thinking he'd freaked out for some reason. Half
way to the hospital he began yelling "I have to tell you the truth, I took a
bunch of pills." Turns out he got into his brother's Adderall and took 21
pills. He took other meds too but we can't tell exactly what or how much. We
were at the hospital from 4:30 p.m. to 2 a.m. They gave him charcoal drink
and ran blood and urine tests. We called the Elders (Mormon Missionaries) who came to the ER and helped us sing hymns and pray with Todd while the doctors worked to save is life. By 1 a.m. they knew he would live and had a psychiatrist from the local county hospital observe him. She finally let us bring him home per our request. We wanted to see our own psychiatrist and, mostly, didn't want to put him in county hospital where no one knew him. Todd hallucinated all night, crying, screaming laughing hysterically, but was safe and stable sandwiched in our bed between Norman and me as we waited horrified and sleepless, for morning to come. At 7:00 a.m. we were on the road, driving the 85 miles to his his pediactric psychiatrist. Dr. S said he could give Todd new meds and take him home to observe for a few days. We refused, knowing that we couldn't guarantee his safety
or even our other kids safety, in Todd's mental state. So now our son is in a psych hospital in Sacramento. We were informed Todd was paranoid and hysterical all last night in the hospital.

We feel we had made the right choice, not bringing him home. We're driving up to the psychiatric hospital today to see him. I'm feeling like Job from the Bible. I hope I can keep Job's attitude. I pray we all have a better week one way or another. I beg God that we can find help for Todd and keep all our family together.

March 6, 2003 7:32 p.m.

Our son came home from the psych hospital Wednesday afternoon. Had another hallicinatory episode that night at home for no chemical reason! Crisis center said it was an attention getting action. How fun for him. Everyone involved at this point feels residential treatment is necessary. There is an emergency IEP meeting at Todd's school in the morning. We've not sent him to school for a week now as we feel he is too unstable. But the psych hospital said he is doing great, so we are being forced now to send him to school tomorrow.


March 13, 2003 2:46 pm
I have been up since last night. Todd kept us up, crying, screaming, acting crazy. We figured he was just being a brat. This morning I realized my thyroid pills were gone from the locked box. He said he didn't have them. We had to be at an IEP for him in 15 minutes so we went. 2 hours later we were home, looking for the pills. Found the empty bottle stashed in the bathroom. Called his school. They had the police take him to the hospital. We were so mad! The nurses tried to baby him. We wouldn't let them. They thought we were mean. I don't care. He is not sucidal. He enjoys the high he is getting from our pills and the attention and babying everyone is giving him. We told the ER nurses that he couldn't come home. We even asked about giving up our parental rights. They said they'd call Child Protective Services and take all our children if we did. (We're in the middle of trying to finalize his sister's adoption. What would that do to it????) Todd was supposed to be admitted to a 3 - 5 day crisis stay. After 5 hours in the ER and then an hour at crisis we found out they wouldn't admit him because of his history of lighting fires (he played with matches 2 times 5 years ago!!) I started laughing when
they told me. It wasn't funny. I think I was hysterial. We brought him home. We
finally found out he got the pills cuz he had grabbed his dad's keys when they were left on the kitchen sink while dad ran outside to the mail box. Couldn't have been gone more than a minute. He opened the lockbox and stashed the pills until he could take them. We have watched him 24 hours a day since he came home from his last OD attempt last Wednesday! The one minute we slipped up this happened. We can't keep him safe.No one will listen. We're supposed to send him to school tomorrow. I have to transport him. Then I'm calling anyone I can think of. He can't stay here.I don't
want him here anymore. I don't want to find him dead sometime. I don't want to
keep exposing my other 3 kids to this. My husband cried today at the
hospital. He is so upset. Why can't we get help????????