thoughts

I've had to choose twice now. The first time broke my heart; the second shattered my soul. I am having a horrendous time trying to go on; trying to keep putting that one foot in front of the other. Desperation for relief from the emotional pain conquer my thoughts. I ponder all my religious beliefs, moral feelings, people I'd hurt. More choices to consider. For once, I want the right one for me.

Seven years ago, we sat in a courtroom of our broken mental health system, swearing to tell the truth, refusing to bring our then 12 year old adopted bipolar son home from his latest psychiatric hospital committment. My husband and I took on child abandonment charges, gave up our parental rights/custody and accepted a lien on our home to try to get help for this mentally ill child. It was a living death for us. But we had three other children at home, endangered by this son's mental illness. My heart broke. Literally. I had a mild heart attack several months later. The heart patched back together, but was never whole again.

Seven days ago, this scene was relived. We have been raising our nephew for the last three years, since he was five years old, as his parents were incapable to do so. Dad has terminal cancer and Mom was in prision. We expected the anger, the depression, the acting out our nephew would do. As he grew older, though, it became worse. In the last year, he has raged and become more destructive. In the mist of it all, our youngest adopted daughter tried to committe suicide, after six months previously being busted for drugs at school, and was placed in an adolescent psych hospital for 7 days where she was diagnosed bipolar. Between the two children, our home had become a war zone. An absolute living hell.

Seven days ago, our nephew and his friend had their first overnighter at our house. In the middle of the night, the messed with my camera (deleting ALL the Yosemite pictures we had taken 3 days previously), messed with the television (which had to have the cable company repair), messed with my computer (I'm still fixing that). and downloaded games onto my husband's cellphone (I just convinced the phone company to delete the $67.00 worth he'd downloaded onto my phone while hiding with it in his room one evening.) Now, all that is forgivable and can be dealt with.

The boys set fires on our heirloom marble and maple wood coffee table. The nephew had gone through my purse (another no no) looking for batteries to replace in my camera they had been using and found a lighter I had confiscated from daughter, dropped in my purse, and forgotten about months before. They lit dollar bills ("because those aren't worth anything"), computer paper, and napkins. The marble on the table is scorched. One edge of the wooden ledge is burned. NO REMORSE FROM NEPHEW. "If you don't want me to do things, you should put them away or lock them up. It's not my fault. I was bored."

A few hours later, after the friend and his appalled with is son father left, after still no remorse or taking responsibility for anything he'd done, I (with nephew's father being there) called the police to see if they could talk to the child. Nephew was just a rude and defiant with the police as with us. When asked by the officer why he didn't think he needed to mind us or follow our rules, he responded "They have really stupid rules, so I make my own and follow them. It's not fair that I get in trouble for following my own rules." He then proceeded to tell the officer how much he hated our family and didn't want to live here. He was tired of being told what to do and could take care of himself. The officer was appalled with Nephew's tone, attitude, and behavior and told him so. Nephew rolled his eyes. Long story short - he is now in the local childrens' shelter until a foster home is found. (Sounds of shattering of my soul enter here.)

Daughter is thrilled that now she gets to be the only child. Husband said, "Well, we did have some good times with that young man." I get all that. I understand all that. Friends/Professionals say "You did the best you could. It is not your fault." I get all that. IT DOES NOT HELP.

God does give you more than you can handle and trials don't make you stronger. "Be care what you ask for" has more credibility. I wanted four children but I cannot stay pregnate due to my female birth defects. We were blessed with being able to adopt the four. Three are ADHD and two of those are diagnosed bipolar. ADOPTIONS LIED TO US. I am angry and hurt and scared and let-down and depressed. I can barely function, let alone think coherently through these emotions.

My belief in God keeps me here. I don't want to go to Hell. However, I wonder if Hell is here on earth; if I am already there. Lately, Dante's Inferno has been creeping into my thoughts. Feelings of travelling down through the levels of Hell. Lights at the other end of the tunnel, going the opposite direction from me. Broken hearted, shattered soul....not enough superglue to keep it together.

I. AM. SAD.